New Parent Initiation: Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?
Remember that time— before kids— when you learned the truth about clogged milk ducts, constipation in pregnancy and postpartum night sweats?
Yeah, me neither.
Those things, among other postpartum wonders, really rocked my world when I became a mom.
What’s with the new parent initiation? In a way, it feels like a secret society. No one REALLY knows what goes on until you’re in. I asked my friends who had kids. But no one could tell me what REALLY happens in labor. No one REALLY tells you what it’s like to bring home a tiny human. I’ve always been a planner. I like to research. I read all the books, got the products and the apps. I often asked my mom (who gave birth to four children in four years, bless her heart), “what was it like having so many tiny babies?” She says, “It was a blur.” That’s evolution right there. We forget. And we forget to tell others. It’s our way of coping with an intense time when it’s hard to distinguish day and night. And it makes for a rude awakening.
Before I became a mother, I wish someone had told me...
that I wouldn't be able to sit down for six weeks because of my bruised tailbone,
that it can take 2-5 days for colostrum to transition to mature breastmilk,
that my baby wanted to eat every three hours, day and night,
that I would love my new baby, and also feel an incredible sense of responsibility and almost impending doom that something bad would happen to her,
that I would switch pediatricians when she told me to “just keep feeding her, just keep her on the breast” despite my 16-18 feeding sessions in 24 hours,
that my questions about infant feeding and sleep perplexed even the most well-intentioned, visiting family members,
that I’d get a inundated with opinions from friends…and strangers,
that sleep deprivation made me nauseous,
that we have a culture of parenthood martyrdom,
that the confidence and sense of achievement that I’d honed in my 20s would be crushed by a tiny human,
that even with a supportive husband and “all hands on deck” approach, we’d both just end up exhausted and outsmarted by our infant.
Before I became a parent, I also wish someone had told me it didn’t have to be this hard. I wish someone had told me that postpartum doulas can care for the caregivers.
Postpartum doulas provide physical, emotional and educational support for new and expectant parents. Labor and postpartum doulas can work in partnership with doctors, nurses, and midwives to add to the team of care before, during and after birth. The doctor asks, “are the birthing person and baby physically healthy?” The doula asks, “is the birthing person’s mind and body healthy? Is there a healthy bond between parent(s) and baby?”
Before I became a parent, I wish someone had told me...
that my postpartum experience was markedly improved with my second baby because I had a postpartum doula,
that I didn’t have to settle for exhaustion,
that I didn’t have to wonder, who is going to take care of ME while I’m caring for my baby?
that I could have someone ask about how I was sleeping, not just “How is the baby sleeping?”
that I could have someone ask about how I was healing,
that having someone to put together a snack of grapes and cheese would give me the literal and figurative fuel to get through the next few hours,
that my doula’s non-judgmental support made it easier to trust my decisions,
that my doula filtered through the internet noise to share the most relevant and up-to-date information on pregnancy, labor, infant feeding and sleep,
that a postpartum doula would have such a positive impact on my mental health and my bond with my baby,
that a postpartum doula helped my older daughter bond with her baby sister,
that having someone sit with you and actively listen is just what you need sometimes.
In the US, we distanced ourselves from the powerful tradition of supporting post-birth healing and care for parents. Support in the first 40 days postpartum is an ancient and universal practice. Since the pandemic, finding and keeping your village has been even harder. New and expectant parents, put the kettle on and find your doula!
For more help navigating the seismic shift into parenthood, reach out to the Boston Area Doulas team.
www.bostonareadoulas.com
