More Support, Less Stuff
New parents don’t need 52 onesies, Aunt Carol. They need more support, not more stuff.
Don’t get me wrong, the baby stuff is adorable. Who can resist those miniature human clothes? Baby stuff is an exciting, tangible reminder of the joy arriving in your life. There’s the onesies, the bibs, the diapers, the burp cloths, the blankets, and don’t forget the socks. So many socks.
Expecting parents often focus their attention on the upcoming birth and on observable “set up” for the baby (i.e. nursery, crib, changing station), without focusing attention on setting up their “village” of supports and on what parenthood requires of them after their baby arrives.
As an expecting parent, are you preparing for the “wedding day,” but not fully preparing for the “marriage”?
As soon-to-be grandparents, friends and family of expecting parents, are you showering loved ones with support? Or flooding their house with Amazon boxes?
I’m asking these questions, not to be a nag, but because I’ve been there personally. With my first child, I HAD ALL THE STUFF. I had the bottle warmer, the comfy chair, the crib, the swaddle blankets, even a noise machine. At the same time, I was desperately in need of consistent physical and emotional support. My daughter was colicky and cried often. She didn’t sleep for more than three hours for the first four months of her life. That means that I also didn’t sleep for more than three hours at a time for four months. I was struggling with breastfeeding. My mood, confidence, and ability to make rational decisions plummeted. Why was my baby crying so much? Why was she feeding so much? Was I making enough milk? What was the best way to comfort her?
As a Type A person who loved a plan, I was frustrated by my attempts to figure out my tiny human. With my second child, I set up support in advance with a postpartum doula and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. It was a 180 degree pivot from my “fourth trimester” experience with my first kid. With my doula, I was able to rest, chat about what was going on, ask questions, feel heard, and simply be in the consistent presence of a caring adult who had no agenda. It was healing.
To all those expectant parents who think parenthood is a rite of passage to endure….or who feel that they don’t deserve the support: STOP IT.
You’re going to be taking care of another human for the rest of your life. Setting yourself up with support can make a world of difference. People like postpartum doulas, therapists, massage therapists, pelvic floor specialists, lactation consultants are out there, ready to help. You just need to ask.
Here’s how to make support happen:
Add a link to pay for your baby registry that includes care services like a postpartum doula, prenatal or postpartum massage and yoga
Check out The Flourish Fund or Be Her Village to create a registry for care services and search their directories for local services
If you’re working with a postpartum doula, share a link to your digital invoice on your registry
Ask loved ones to create/add to a meal train, send you GrubHub gift cards, or send you money directly via Venmo instead of more baby stuff
Ask grandparents and in-laws to donate to your registry for pre-selected care services.
Attending to your own needs does not mean you’re neglecting the needs of others. In fact, setting up a network of support to help you sleep, eat and feel better will help you be the best version of yourself so you can show up for your family.
About the Author: Kathleen Stern is a certified labor and postpartum doula and founder of Boston Area Doulas. Kathleen believes in the power of support, connection, increasing access to resources and increasing one’s confidence in parenthood. She lives in Massachusetts with her two girls and husband.
