How do you set yourself up for a smoother postpartum experience?
By Betty Baratta, LMHC, PMH-C, RYT 200
Birth doulas are widely popular, so much so that people no longer give you a, “huh, wha…?” look when you tell them you’re working with a birth doula! Planning for a birth is very helpful, and the evidence around doulas is clear; they lead to better birth outcomes, and more satisfaction in the overall birthing process.
But the birth itself is just the tip of the iceberg...
As you prepare for birth, are you also thinking about what comes next? And planning for how to have more satisfaction and balance postpartum?
Our modern lives do not prepare us well for “being with what is,”, and that is exactly what is required to sit comfortably with a baby. A crying baby, a cranky baby, a baby struggling to feed, a tired baby… I could go on. Just think, you will likely be feeding your new born baby 8-12 times in a 24 hour period. Think about what that actually looks like. You’ll be holding your baby a lot!
Some things to consider...
Here are two tips to find more satisfaction in the postpartum time period (and you probably won’t see these on Tiktok):
Let go of Industrial Time. Let go of the clock, the having to be somewhere at a certain time, any semblance of structure. What if things happened when they were ready to happen? This is what we call Horticultural time. It is how nature happens. Flowers bloom not at the same exact time every spring, but based on all the factors that led up to this moment; the soil, the sun, the rain…and here’s the secret - babies are nature too, as are you and I, but we have forgotten we are most of the time. Babies live in horticultural time. They are constantly unfolding, each one different, each one with their own unique personalities and ways of being. Each baby will learn to hold their head up, turn over, sit, crawl and walk at their own time based on all the unseen factors. They are happening in the moment.
Your Baby Is Your Mindfulness Teacher. Think about that for a moment. They will demand you come right into this moment, right here, right now. They have very clear needs and they demand that you take care of your needs. So if your baby is wanting to be held for a second hour, and at this point you want to go clean up that kitchen, because remember control, then right there is the space of suffering. Here’s where you take a breath, remember that the mess of a kitchen is not important and sink in to “be with what is”- your baby who needs to be held
These are two ways to feel more satisfaction, and at the same time it is hard work. Our culture has done us a disservice in presenting parenting as “instant attachment” and the ease at which parenting is an instinct and we’ll just know what to do, and we’ll do it lovingly all the time. It’s just not true; it is hard work with little return at the start, tireless, thankless and on little sleep can feel like it is endless. This is the place of suffering too- when we think, “I should be able to soothe my baby, what’s wrong with me?” And studies show that high achieving women, women successful in their careers and “type A” folks have a harder time with the beginning parenting stage. There is nothing in your work life that has prepared you for this.
So let’s talk about concrete ways to help support you when you feel like you are losing your sense of self because you are attending to this little being 24/7. We can recognize negative filters that we can easily fall into after some difficult starts:
From: The Postpartum Depression Workbook by Abigail Burd, LCSW, PMH-C:
The Shoulds: Having unrealistic expectations of what you should be doing. These statements can leave you feeling depressed and anxious, and they aren’t even true! Practice challenging your unrealistic expectations.
All or Nothing Mamas: You may have gotten used to “doing it all” in your pre-baby life/career. There is no doing it all as a parent. There is simply no way to accomplish everything or be a perfect parent. If anything less then perfection is a failure to you, this can contribute to Postpartum depression (PPD).
Catastrophizing: Does your mind go to the worst possible scenario. As parents our job is to keep our babies safe. But how often are you thinking about extreme situations? Recognize this could come from a reality based situation that you went through for example if your baby was in the NICU. Get help recognizing if your thoughts are going to unrealistic extremes. We can help find you a mental health professional if you are interested!
Mind Reading and Fortune Telling: Do you imagine what others are thinking about you, especially negative things? Our minds are brilliant and also they love to predict, assume, judge and create stories. Remember the majority of other people/parents are feeling compassionate towards you-knowing you are in a difficult situation.
Mom is Always Right: Do you know the best way to soothe your baby? Can your partner never seem to do things right? If you are jumping in to “fix” things, unfortunately your partner won’t get comfortable with soothing a crying baby if they don’t practice. And here is another thing to remember your baby is smart - they know you and how you soothe and they know “not you”, or partner and can be soothed in a completely different way with them.
Overgeneralization: New moms who are vulnerable to PPD, can blow up one bad event into a never ending situation. When nights are long and days feel never ending monotony it can be very easy to think that difficult times will go on forever. Things will and do change. Every parent has told you that, and it is true! Everything is a phase!
Personalization: This is a very common cognitive distortion. This happens when you assign an unreasonable amount of blame on yourself for things that are beyond your control. “My baby can’t roll over, it’s my fault I didn’t do enough tummy time”. No, remember horticultural time? Babies are in constantly developing and there is a large range for everything. Each baby is a distinct human, just as we all are. Look around, everyone moves and changes at their own pace.
Okay, that is a lot and easy to succumb to, especially on low sleep. Sleep is the number one protective factor for preventing PPD, and so trying to string together at least 5-7 hours in a 24 hour period is a self-care priority.
Here are a few other important positive practices to do daily.
G.R.A.P.E.S. daily for good mental health!
Gentleness - Practice being gentle with yourself, self compassion is a key ingredient in wellness. Stop the inner critic, forgive yourself for what you don’t know yet, and again, ease up on expectations.
Relaxation - Find time once a day for a moment of relaxation. Yes, you can find it, it doesn't need to be a huge amount of time. A cup of your favorite tea with some music on, a five minute meditation/affirmation, a lengthy shower….
Accomplishment - Try to feel a sense of accomplishment every day. This might mean crossing something off your to do list, or getting out for that walk with baby before the feed change, sleep cycle begins again.
Pleasure - You are entitled and deserve to have a pleasurable experiences. It might mean a special meal you savor, or a foot massage from partner. Find small treats that help boost your mood.
Exercise - Exercise can feel amazing, but be realistic. Walking is where everyone starts. Listen to your body, if you push yourself too much-your body will let you know for sure. Think of any movement being for your mental health, and not about getting back into a “pre-baby” body.
Social - This is so important, and can feel like heavy lifting at the same time. It is important to talk to others in this season of your life. After having visitors come to you in the early days, think about going out to meet a friend, or going out with your partner sans baby.
Our team is always here to help, please reach out if you need anything!
